My room smells like vodka and shame
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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