yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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