Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
