I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
