Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
