ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
this is an emotional support booty call
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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