well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Too much gin, very little bucket
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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