My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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