About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
