omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
