I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
