seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
