wrigley field is MILF paradise
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
