Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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