There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
