I faked an abortion last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
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Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So. Much. Porn.
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