I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
