I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
