a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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