I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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