She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
