i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
