JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
