i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
