So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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