I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
