mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
