Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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