She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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