so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
