yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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