Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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