I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
