Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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