He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
