This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
