i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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