currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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