A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
