I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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