i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
