life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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