a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
