The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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