a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Found the puke drawer
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
