When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Randomize
