We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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