the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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