Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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