The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
