I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
