Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
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Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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