How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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