ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
